I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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