happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There's always time for handjobs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
