if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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