this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
