Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
