you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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