just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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