I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
