I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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