she woke up with a sticky ear
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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