I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want her autograph on my taint
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
