I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
