He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
