Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
