a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
