My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
