i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The uberlube is also flammable
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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