i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
