I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
