Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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