on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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