$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
