Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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