am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
