I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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