Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
