then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
