nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
