Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
