When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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