i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize