I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
