I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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