I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize