I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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