Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
