my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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