We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Randomize
