U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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