I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
