you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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