The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
