Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
