I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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