you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
