I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize