Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
