Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
