new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
