Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
