whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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