dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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