We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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