i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize