You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize