theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
