once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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