I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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