I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
