And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
