why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
