She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
