im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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